new years anniversary

I’m not a believer in or maker in New Year’s resolutions.  They seem to me to be pointless and truly unattainable.   But if I’m completely honest I have something I call my New Year’s anniversary.

This year marks 8 years, 8 years since I drank my last alcoholic drink. 8 years since I was the drunkest I’d ever been.  At the time I wasn't aware it would be the last.  

No I do not drink; it’s a choice I HAD to make…

Yes at 24 I was old enough to know I was an alcoholic

Don’t say I was too young to understand… that I hadn't lived long enough to make mistakes…

Believe me… I have lived long enough

I know more about alcoholism and addiction than I ever want to… do not undermine me.

Some try to downplay it to offer comfort to me, because they don’t like the words… they don’t like hearing the sentence… 

It’s become a funny thing to me to watch as people ask me if I want a beer or whatever and I say no, thanks I’m an alcoholic (because if you just say no, they almost never leave it at that)  they have a certain look in their eyes.  They will often stop and look at me and say I’m sorry and ask “will it upset you if I drink?’ no

The only times I tend to get upset are: when asked to buy drinks for someone else because they aren't old enough.  I cannot buy someone a beer, glass of wine, or whatever… it starts a chain or thoughts that takes a few days/weeks to stop… do not ask me… because I will say no, and I will make you feel  VERY badly for it. And when the person assumes they know me better than I do and tells me I’m not an alcoholic and that one drink won’t hurt… again… this is the point I tend to walk away from the person, because they are not my friend.

Was it bad?

I was getting there… morals are the first things to go… and you have negotiations and promises you break… even it only to yourself

when you're drunk off you're ass and actually have an inner monologue where you're going ..."I can drive" and "no you can't"

things are bad... luckily I lost the battle with myself that night and didn't drive... 

I am an alcoholic who was wise enough to stop before it became the number one thing in my life.  I was “lucky” enough to have seen the road I was headed before I truly got on it… that sounds cold and unfeeling… but honestly it’s the very opposite.  All I can think about is the reasons why I know so much about this damn disease.  And I lived in the fear of repeating them…

Praise GOD for the people in my life who have helped me, and the ability to change...