The Time I Let Myself Grieve

Things happen when you’re just not ready

Things happen when you’re just not looking

I wasn’t prepared when it all happened

I wasn’t ready to say ok, it’s ok to go

But I said it and I meant it

I had to let you go, holding your hand

But it didn’t make it easy by any means

I promised you we’d be ok

I kissed your forehead and squeezed your hand

You moved your eyebrows up to let me know you heard me

I wasn’t ready to let go of your hand

I wasn’t ready to drop the tears that were building up

I let go of your hand and told you I keep you close

Always in my heart

You left us then

You slipped away peacefully

And I let myself fall apart, more than I’d ever done

And I knew the more I let myself grieve then

The better I'd be 

I knew the pain would ease just a little easier 

from all the other times I'd keep it locked away

I was able to say good-bye 

I was able to say good-bye and that meant the world to me

Manic's Mind Games

I wish I wasn’t fighting against myself everyday

I wish I didn’t force this stupid smile

I wish I wasn’t thinking about running away

But truth be said

I just want all the problems running through my head to go away

I want for every depressed thought to melt into oblivion

I want for every word to be a cascade of happiness

I have to stop these thoughts

They are running through my aching head

Tell me what did my laugh sound like?

Tell me how I used to smile

When everything was so much better

When I was so much better

You can say I’m still fighting what I’d always fought

You can say that I’m afraid of losing and being lost

Why can’t I just stop and start over?

Why can’t I just stop the spinning inside my head

Will I ever notice the beats of my heart?

Will I ever not hold my breath in my lungs?

Count to ten

Close my eyes

there's an urge to scream

there is something that is about to come from inside of me

I’m forcing it out before it forces me under

To reclaim my soul to reclaim everything that used to be me

Bright Today

the sun is so bright today 

its blinding, i can't think of anything better

let it burn me

let it warm me

let it put me to sleep

i just want to forget every bad thing 

i just want to forget everything 

let the wind blow across me

let the wind knot my hair 

let the wind blow a smile across my face

i just want to let the world move on 

i just want to let the world dance on 

its a good day 

its a good day to feel the light 

its a great day to let the sun warm my heart

forget the coldness of winter winds 

forget how lonely the trees look without their leaves 

forget that spring ever left

i just want to stay here 

i just want to sit here 

i just want to watch the sun disappear

because the sun is so bright today 

there was just nothing better i could think of 

life is not fair

often I feel like I don't deserve to miss you

often I feel robbed of a what would have been a great friendship. 

often I feel like I hardly knew anything about you

but for the few months I knew you 

you made an imprint in my life

you made me fall in love with the world

you made me fall in love with myself

I began to believe in myself

I loved how you saw things

I loved how we had randomly deep conversations at work on religion and philosophy 

I loved how you made my friend smile by loving her... she smiled so much

 

my phone rang late that night

I'd never had the breathe stolen from me so quickly

how could your beautiful heart fail? 

how could your beautiful heart betray us all? 

maybe thats why I took it so hard when life left you

I'd had hope and self belief for the first time in a long time

my thoughts went from my grief to her

I could only think of her and her pain

I heard her sobbing and the pain in my chest was blinding

I drove home from your funeral screaming at God... banging my hands into the steering wheel... WHY WHY WHY!!!!! 

and things feel apart

I questioned so much of what I believed

I refused to trust 

I refused to want to live

I felt what right did I have to feel this? 

I cried for your family

I cried for her

I cried for a friend I'd lost 

I can't believe it's been so long

I can't believe our lives moved so fast

but we stop and we remember you and I decided the best way to honor you was to live

I hardly knew you

and you helped change my outlook on life

thank you for being who you were in the time you had

Count the Sound

counting the sound

1..2..3..4..
1..2..3..4..
again and again

where will this get me?
counting...

again

1,2,3,4
1,2,3,4
again and again

heartbeats... heart breaks

1....2....3.....

i can't believe it still works

1......2.....

why did everything happen?
when did everything get to this?
when did everything fall apart?
why did everything get torn away?

i can't..... 1..  i can't..... 2.. i won't........ 3..

when did i land here?
standing here?
dying here?

breathe in
open your eyes
the sun is so bright, tears run
the pain is so heavy, my head swims in mist

i won't.......  1.. i won't......  2... i can't....... 3..

beating.... breathing... losing everything
breathing... beating... exposed...

Panic on a Sunday

what i feel like is not something i could ever write
what i see is not something i could ever draw

but i keep trying to show you
i keep wanting someone to notice

when will my words matter
when will the sights I've seen come to life

i just want to scream
i just want to dream

everything and nothing
its all meant to be
every part of me just wants to be

life is short
life is long

what do i want to be
what should i want to be

this is not just for me

not all of this is where we're meant to be
not any of this is where I've longed to live

dream
awake... up ...and
awake ...up ... meant to do what you never done

From Friday to Saturday

I'm thinking its just another day that makes no difference in the collection of years of life
I'm not trying to pretend that I'm waiting on a grand change
I'm just here living practicing my breathing

am I ready to make up my mind if yesterday is something to remember?
am I ready to tell the world how much i feel out of place?
am I ready to practice my breathing?

this is what i can't see
this is what i can't express in words
this is what i can't express in pictures

let me try to just be here and count today in normalcy
let me try to just be here and try to be conscious in the moment before its gone
let me try to not count the breaths i take

I'm just trying to sound convincing with words thrown together to sound beautiful
I'm just pretending something is worth saying
I'm just hoping i find something worth doing for the rest of my life

not to panic
not to make anyone fear I'm in some form of crisis
i just need something more solid to hold onto
something more than watching my breath escaping
something to move me from Friday to Saturday