life is not fair

often I feel like I don't deserve to miss you

often I feel robbed of a what would have been a great friendship. 

often I feel like I hardly knew anything about you

but for the few months I knew you 

you made an imprint in my life

you made me fall in love with the world

you made me fall in love with myself

I began to believe in myself

I loved how you saw things

I loved how we had randomly deep conversations at work on religion and philosophy 

I loved how you made my friend smile by loving her... she smiled so much

 

my phone rang late that night

I'd never had the breathe stolen from me so quickly

how could your beautiful heart fail? 

how could your beautiful heart betray us all? 

maybe thats why I took it so hard when life left you

I'd had hope and self belief for the first time in a long time

my thoughts went from my grief to her

I could only think of her and her pain

I heard her sobbing and the pain in my chest was blinding

I drove home from your funeral screaming at God... banging my hands into the steering wheel... WHY WHY WHY!!!!! 

and things feel apart

I questioned so much of what I believed

I refused to trust 

I refused to want to live

I felt what right did I have to feel this? 

I cried for your family

I cried for her

I cried for a friend I'd lost 

I can't believe it's been so long

I can't believe our lives moved so fast

but we stop and we remember you and I decided the best way to honor you was to live

I hardly knew you

and you helped change my outlook on life

thank you for being who you were in the time you had